One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Police officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am."

Finding a Chinese Jew

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter çame by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

DEPRESSION
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan.  I explained that I was feeling suicidal.  They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....

A Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach es in   Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.     People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'     The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their   long and happy marriage.     The Husband repli ed: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip    down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'  'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wi fe   quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when    the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from   her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?' She looked at ME, and   quietly said, 'That's once.' And from that moment.....  ' we have lived happily every after.'